Tips for expressing yourself with your lover/spouse, and keeping the flame going.

No matter how much we love someone, there are times when we lack the confidence to say what we feel, to give honest feedback, and take action that we feel is right despite a difference of opinion.

Following are some suggestions for how you might communicate and express yourself confidently with your lover or spouse.

Communicate from a place of love

Regardless of the situation-maybe he's left the toilet bowl seat up once too many times or maybe she's reminded you to do something 10 times within 10 minutes-communicate from a place of love.

What does that mean?

It means you should reflect on all the reasons why you love this person and let that be the context for your response.

Does the toilet seat issue, for example, really warrant the amount of energy you're giving it?

Find the right tone and express yourself assertively, but lovingly.

Exercise:

Challenge yourself to list 100 characteristics and qualities you admire about your significant other.

When you find yourself slowing down, replay the most wonderful, fun moments you've shared to find more.

You may surprise yourself by rediscovering things that you haven't reflected on in some time.

Communicate often

Sometimes when couples don't talk much, it adds intensity to the one time they do need to talk.

So, "honey, can we talk?" suddenly becomes a very loaded question.

Couples who do communicate frequently, have an easier time with those discussions, because "honey, can we talk?" doesn't necessarily mean something terrible is going to come next.

Express your amorous feelings frequently.

Don't assume your partner already knows how you feel-it's always nice to hear it and can help you continue to grow together!

Exercise:

1. Aim to share a kind word, warm expression, or expression of your love at least 3x/day

2. Aim, every day, to ask your significant other about his/her day-the highs, the lows, the challenges, the dreams

3. Don't let things build up.

When you have a reaction to something he/she has done, express it calmly and lovingly then and there.

Don't sit on it until it explodes as a result of some other, unrelated minor offense.

Collaborate

Work together.

Really listen to one another, hear their hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, suggestions, tips, feedback, etc. and share your own.

Remember this: "Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship."

Exercise:

What are your current challenges and projects as a couple?

It might be a new home, or a new child.

Whatever it is schedule a date to discuss your approach and each of your roles in managing these immediate tasks.

Explore how you can make one another feel supported, and establish a true partnership.

Dream together

It's perfectly fine to have your own aspirations and goals-you should! But, create shared dreams and visions as well.

This will keep your fire as a couple, going strong.

Exercise:

Do you know what you are working towards as a couple?

Where do your dreams for the future overlap?

If you don't know, schedule a romantic dinner or outing for the two of you, and plan your future together starting right now.