The new buzzword as far as stepfamilies are concerned is "Blended Family".

This term is used for when two families, normally with two sets of children, become one because of a split up in previous relationships or marriages.

Being a confident stepparent is all about knowing what lies ahead and being prepared for both the expected and unexpected!

So how do you become a confident stepparent?

Here are some pointers. We have teamed up with Step Family Counsellor Jeannette Lofas who has kindly written these TOP TEN LISTS.

Step 1.

Recognise that the stepfamily will not and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state of dynamics and behaviours. Once learned, these behaviours can become predictable and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily.

Step 2.

Recognise the hard fact that the children are not yours and they never will be. We are stepparents, not replacement parents. Mother and father (no matter how AWFUL the natural parents) are sacred words and feelings. We are stepparents, a step removed, yet in this position can still play a significant role in the development of the child.

Step 3.

Super step parenting doesn't work. Go slow. Don't come on too strong.

Step 4.

Discipline styles must be sorted out by the couple. The couple, ideally with the help of a Stepfamily Foundation trained professional, needs to immediately and specifically work out what the children's duties and responsibilities are.

What is acceptable behaviour and what are the consequences when children misbehave? Generally, in the beginning, we suggest that the biological parent does the disciplining as much as is feasible.

The couple together specifically works out jobs, expected behaviours and family etiquette.

Step 5.

Establish clear job descriptions between the parent, stepparent and respective children. What specifically is the job of each one of us in this household? We need to be as detailed as we are in business.

Step 6.

Know that unrealistic expectations beget rejections and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship except for the wicked stepchild and invariably cruel stepmother of fairy tales.

Note the absence of myth around the stepfather.

It is vital for the survival of the stepfather to be able to see and delineate expectations for each member of the family, especially the primary issues of upset in step: e.g., money, discipline, the prior spouse, visitation, authority, emotional support, territory and custody.

Step 7.

There are no ex-parents . . . only ex-spouses. Begin to get information on how to best handle the prior spouse.

Step 8.

Be prepared for conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step relationship. In the intact family, the couple comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents, generally pulling the parents' energy together for the well being of the child.

In step, blood and sexual ties can polarise a family in opposite energies and directions.

Step 9.

The conflict of loyalties must be recognised right from the beginning. The conflict is particular to step and is a round robin of confused emotions. Often, just as the child in step begins to have warm feelings toward the stepparent, the child will pull away and negatively act out.

He/she feels something like this: "If I love you, that means I do not love my real parent." The feelings are normal and must be dealt with. The pulls of "Who am I loyal to first?" go all the way around in the stepfamily.

Step 10.

Guard your sense of humour and use it. The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Try humour.

10 STEPS TO BUILDING COUPLE STRENGTH

Step 1.

Schedule time to go out alone, to dine alone. Don't talk about step. Talk about the movie you have just seen, Russia and the United States, the latest gossip, poetry, anything but step. Talk about the things you used to talk about when you first fell in love.

Step 2.

Strong leadership provides stability for the new relationships forming in the stepfamily. Discipline is dealt with authority and unity from the couple. Anger and dissension between the couple over discipline and other issues are better discussed privately. Learn to agree and learn to disagree. Table negative issues. Resolve them with a counsellor.

Step 3.

Use the Time, Energy and Money grid described in Jeannette Lofas' book Stepparenting to structure the household. All members will know their role and duties in the family. There will be rewards for completing chores and consequences for not competing duties. All are spelled out and known to family members.

Step 4.

Clearly sort out discipline and guidance methods and styles as a couple. Couples decide on discipline and bio-parent generally directs behaviour. In the absence of the bio-parent, the stepparent reminds the child of household rules. He/she might begin "in this house we . . .". An effective parent or stepparent disciplines the action and the behaviours and does not put down the child, thereby keeping the child's self-esteem intact.

Step 5.

Don't take kid's negative behaviour as a personal insult. Speak to the children about feelings, fears and concerns. When you notice 'acting out behaviour' the need to act out diminishes in direct proportion to the child's feelings of being acknowledged.

Step 6.

"Make wrongs" don't work in good relationships. "I" messages work. "You" messages make wrong. Being righteous and right allows one to feel good only for moments.

Step 7.

Know the dynamics of step. Know when to attribute (blame) the step situation and know when it is something that you as a couple must sort out.

Step 8.

Love is respecting and dealing with each other's neuroses. Love entails going above the negative data, without blame, and going for the desired outcome as an individual, a couple and as a stepfamily.

Step 9.

Learn how to work the A-B reality described in Stepparenting.

Step 10.

The couple presents themselves as male and female heads of the household. Remember, there is no sense of family or stepfamily without the couple strength.

Jeannette Lofas is President of the Step Family Foundation. Visit Jeannettes website at http://www.stepfamily.org/