In order to increase your confidence it is very important to know what triggers off those negative thoughts and emotions that you have about yourself.

Writing these down makes it far easier to analyse and respond to them.

You know, it is never the trigger or event that makes you feel bad.

What makes you feel bad are your thoughts and internal dialogue that you say to yourself in response to the trigger.

These thoughts can distort reality and also distort your feelings.

Just imagine that your boss walks by you at work and fails to acknowledge you or say hello.

What would you say to yourself?

You might say:

• "He ignored me"
  
• "I'm not important"
  
• "He obviously had better things to do than talk to me"
  "I'm not worthy"

How would that make you feel?

• "Angry"
  
• "Worthless"
  
• "Inadequate"
  
• "Useless"

Now, how well do you know your boss?

Would he have done that intentionally?

He may have just been having a bad day, or been told some bad news himself by HIS boss.

You just don't know!

What I am saying here is that nothing in life has any meaning, only the meaning that you give it.

You boss honestly didn't see you yet you were thinking all sorts!

Controlling your inner voice and what you say to yourself either makes or breaks your self-esteem and confidence.

Within this session I am going to teach you a technique to use to control your own inner dialogue and to start to make you appreciate just how hard and unreasonable you are on yourself.

Before we get into the exercise itself, I'd like to talk more about those negative thoughts that you have.

Remember what I said earlier about it's not the trigger/event that makes you feel low, it's what you say to yourself after the event has taken place?

Well, these negative thoughts or distortions can be split out into 13 categories. Here they are, and you can use this list as a quick reference:

1. Assuming
2. Overgeneralising
3. Shoulds
4. Labelling
5. Binning the positives
6. And they all lived happily ever after
7. Blaming other people and events
8. It's all or nothing!
9. Negative thinking erodes your soul!
10. Believing what you feel
11. Personalising
12. Making comparisons with others
13. I can't cope with life.

As I go through them make a note of the ones that you use most frequently.

1. Assuming

When you make assumptions with your thinking, you are assuming the worst without knowing the full picture or without testing the evidence.

Let's go back to our example about your boss ignoring you. You didn't have any of the facts, you assumed he didn't like you.

You could have tested the assumption by going up to him and saying "Boss, you ignored me back there and walked straight past me, have I done anything wrong?"

Other examples of assuming self-talk are:

• "I know this film is going to be rubbish"
  
• "I know I'll make loads of mistakes if I'm best man"
  
• "I know people will just hate me"

How could you rephrase some of these thoughts above to make them more realistic?

E.g. "I am going to give this film a chance and make up my own mind".

2. Overgeneralising

This is when you overgeneralise your thoughts and make them more intense by the words that you use.

For example, you could say things such as:

• "I always end up on the losing side"
  
• "I make mistakes in everything that I do"
  
• "Everyone hates me"
  
• "Everyone thinks I am so dumb"
  
• "I never do any good at cooking"

Now, when you look at them written down like the list above you can see just how demoralising they are!

They are normally inaccurate, unjust and unfair and your confidence only goes in one direction when you use them!

You mean to tell me that you make mistakes in EVERYTHING that you do?

Every single thing that you do you make a mistake with, hey?

What about now? Are you making a mistake at this very moment?

Thought not! It's not everything that you do then is it!

That statement is BULL!

So, how can you turn this around?

Well, a better phrase to use would be something like "Sometimes my cooking doesn't turn out very well but overall I am a good cook".

Always look for the good in situations and what is working well.

3. Shoulds

Some people SHOULD all over themselves!

Do you?

Do you always say to yourself "I should be this" or "I should be that"?

• "I should be thinner"
  
• "I should have more friends"
  
• "I should be earning more money"

Shoulds are demands that you place upon yourself.

When you say a "should" what you are really saying is that you are not doing something that you think you should be!

Sounds obvious but when you say statements like this knowing only full well that you are not doing what you are saying, how do you feel?

Yes, you've got it!

Inadequate, hopeless, frustrated - I am sure you can think of some others!
So, can you get rid of the shoulds?

Well, just change "should" to a "want" or a "could".

• "I want to do this"
  
• "How could I do this?"

4. Labelling

This is when you label yourself with a name or statement that describes who you are.

For example:

• "I am a loser"
  
• "I am stupid"
  
• "I am ugly"
  
• "I am thick"

What you are saying above, like in generalisations, is that you are ALWAYS a loser. You are ALWAYS thick. EVERY aspect of you is UGLY.

You are never a loser in every single thing that you do in life.

Stop labelling yourself and be specific in your thoughts.

Instead of saying "I am a loser" say "That didn't work out how I would have liked".

5. Binning the positives

Are you a person that overlooks the positive things that people say to you?

Do you put yourself down if someone says: "That was a great job, well done"
or "You look fantastic today"?

What do you normally reply with? "Oh, it was nothing, it was easy" or "I don't look great really, you're just saying that"?

You've just discounted the fact that you worked really hard to get that job done and that you take time over you appearance to get it right.

What's so wrong with saying a simple "Thank you"?

You would give credit to someone who did a great job. Make sure you accept the credit when YOU do a great job or when you receive a compliment.

6. And they all lived happily ever after

Are you a person who has to have everything perfect in your life?

Do you have thoughts like:

• "That shouldn't happen to me"
  
• "I can't believe that has happened"
  
• "That's unfair"

Are you looking for a perfect world?

If you are, then you are setting yourself up for disappointments.

Everyone has things happen to him or her, good and bad.

You are not a special case and no one is exempt.

Instead appreciate that "shit happens" and ask yourself "What could I do to improve this situation now?"

7. Blaming other people and events

Do you blame others and don't accept responsibility for outcomes that don't go your way?

Do you say:

• "If only my parents had been more ambitious I'd have had more success by now"
• "If only I didn't have to impress all of the time"
• "He make's me feel so bad"
• "She had a hold over me which means I can't do anything"

The downside with saying these to yourself is that you feel like you are in victim mode. That you are helpless and that you can't do anything about it.

After all, it's not your fault, is it?

Right?

Wrong.

Yes, the event has had an effect on you but at the end of the day ONLY YOU have the responsibility to LET it AFFECT you. Nothing in life has any meaning only the meaning you give it, remember?

So, how do you turn these thoughts around?

Well, for starters focus on the reality.

If you feel something is unfair or unjust, accept that it is.

Then accept that the impact it has on you is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

Don't make excuses; IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

8. It's all or nothing!

With this type of thinking, things are either BLACK or they are WHITE.

There is no grey area in between!

• "I am either a success or a failure"
• "If I get first place, I am a winner. If I get second place, I am a loser" irrespective if there are 20,000 runners!
• "If I don't get things 100% perfect I am a flop"
• "If I don't get an A Grade in Maths I am a failure"

Accept that in life there are rarely successes and failures.

Indeed, success is a journey, not a destination.

Everyone is human at the end of the day and if you don't perform to your highest standards it is rare that succeeding means you get 100% and failing gets you 0%.

Stop setting yourself up for failure because by thinking in this way it is EXACTLY what you are doing.

How many times do you do things absolutely perfectly?

I'd take a guess and say that it would be less than 10% of the time.

So, in your eyes that makes you a failure 90% of the time.

Now we both know that this is bull!

Ask yourself "Why must I ALWAYS have to be perfect?"

9. Negative thinking erodes your soul!

Do you always see the bad in a situation?

Your boss has said that you completed a piece of work incorrectly, so you say to your partner that you have had a terrible day.

You may have burnt the pie so the whole meal is ruined.

By thinking in this way the whole situation becomes negative.

When you start to think in this manner, immediately change your focus.

Think:

• "What is still good about this situation?"
• "That is only one bad thing, what are the good things?"
• "What could I still enjoy about this experience?"

10. Believing what you feel

The quality of your life is based upon the quality of your feelings.

Remember that feelings are thoughts that WE have decided to think.

It doesn't mean that they are real you know.

We can make up any kind of thought, it doesn't make them real, only the meaning we give to them.

Feelings are not facts.

Are you the type of person who believes all of the feelings that you have?

• "I feel bad. Therefore, I must be bad"
• "I feel like a loser. Therefore, I must be a loser"
• "I feel ugly. Therefore, I must be ugly"

Thoughts can be distorted especially if we are low in confidence or stressed, so you really need to question your feelings before you believe them.

Ask yourself questions like:

• "What would someone who is 100% bad, loser, ugly etc be like?"
• "Am I REALLY like that?"

Challenge your feelings by questioning them.

11. Personalising

Personalising is the opposite of blaming.

With personalising:

• "It's all my fault that my son didn't get the chances in life"
• "If I wasn't so clingy, men would stay with me"
• "It's all my fault that we got divorced"

There are a couple of important things to remember why you shouldn't BLAME yourself for things.

The first is that it always takes two to tango!

You may have had an influence on a decision or action but at the end of the day, the final decision is not yours it is someone else's.

Also remember that everyone is an individual and don't think you are more important than you actually are!

I know that this may sound harsh but many people in today's society listen to advice and opinions from others but then do their own thing anyway.

Just accept that your input has been heard but at the end of the day it will only by one of a hundred opinions that he/she had heard from others or from the facts that they have gathered or indeed from their own opinions and self talk.

You are not the only one with an opinion you know!

12. Making comparisons with others

Do you always compare yourself to others?

Maybe you have got a pair of those special magnifying glasses on the market?

You know, the ones that when you put them on magnify all your faults and weaknesses, and also the strengths of others, and then they shrink all of your strengths and weaknesses and others' mistakes!

Have you got a pair of those glasses?! You know, the ones that make you say:

• "I haven't got a chance for this job, after all who is going to want to hire a single Mum? Maria is young, single and she has got a degree"
• "I am hopeless at spelling and maths, Mark is great at these, he can do them standing on his head"
• "No-one will want to go out with me, I've got a big nose. Now, Donna on the other hand is beautiful. She has got lovely hair and really nice skin"

You need to challenge these thoughts.

Stop comparing yourself to others!

Appreciate that you are a unique person and stop these distortions.

13. I can't cope with life

This usually comes about when you say things to yourself such as:

• "I can't stand it"
• "I couldn't live without you"

Here you are telling yourself that you are not strong enough to cope with life.

Now in reality although a lot of things are unpleasant, difficult and not nice.

WE CAN COPE WITH THEM.

A better way of saying something is to say:

· "I don't really like this but I can stand it".

How do you challenge and question this thinking? By asking the following:

If this does happen, will I really be helpless and be unable to cope?

If the worst happens, what will I do?

When I look back in 30 years time, will anyone really care about this?

EXERCISE - Analysing your thoughts

The best way to overcome your negative dis-empowering thoughts is to question them to death and to really put them into perspective.

That inner voice of yours needs to be controlled and here is a way to do that and to lower the intensity of the voices within!

The best way to do this is to analyse your negative thoughts, by writing down the thoughts that make you upset and unhappy.

STEP 1

In the section named "THE EVENT" at the top of the thought record, describe the event that made you feel upset and how you felt.

Then, on a scale from 0-10 where 10 is the most unpleasant, rate the intensity of these emotions.

STEP 2

In the section named "ANALYSIS OF THOUGHTS" in the first column list the thoughts that came into your head during the event and how believable they were at that time. Once again score it from 0-10 (10 indicating that you completely believed those thoughts).

Then, in the second column pick which distortion category your thought fell into from the list I went through earlier on.

In the third column I'd like you to respond to the negative thought and distortion as though you are saying it to a friend who came up with that thought. Then again, rate how much you believe that response.

STEP 3

After the first 2 steps above, I'd like you to go back to the automatic thought column and re-rate your scores, then at the top of the form in "THE EVENT" re-rate the intensity of your emotions.

Even if there is a slight drop in the intensity of these feelings, you are doing great!

This is a gradual process and you need to make it a habit.

Each day for the next 10 days I want you to select a negative event and complete a thought record for each day

This is the first in a series of thought replacement exercises.

To help you, there is an example of a completed one on the next page.

THOUGHT RECORD

THE EVENT

ANALYSIS OF THOUGHTS

EXAMPLE

ORIGINAL RATINGS IN BLACK, REVISED RATINGS IN RED

THOUGHT RECORD

THE EVENT

ANALYSIS OF THOUGHTS

Example explained:

In this example the person was upset that he and his girlfriend had split up.

He felt depressed, worthless and inadequate.

He was rating these feelings very strongly at 9 , 8 and 8 respectively.

Then, he analysed his thoughts and first wrote down what he was thinking and rating these accordingly and put down what the distortion was for each.

He rated the thoughts in terms of how much he believed them as:

It's my fault
10

She hates me
8

Without her, I'm nothing
10

I'll never find another one like her
9

Then, he looked at these thoughts and distortions and made a reasonable response for each one and rated these.

After that he looked over ALL of the scores again and taking into consideration what he had written as a reasonable response, re-rated each score and put the new ratings in red.

Therefore from the initial ratings of intensity of:

These changed to:

Thus by questioning his feelings he was able to lessen the impact.

Print out a copy of the thought record sheet and complete one for the next 10 days for one negative thought.